putting the pieces back together and giving thanks

well, it sure has been a long time since i spoke to you all.
A lot has happened and it's high time i shared with you all the progress.
Thank you for all the beautiful emails and the concern shown as it had been quite sometime since i was in contact.
4th July was my birthday and the weeks proceeding that i felt like i was slowly falling to pieces. All women my age have a "where in my life am i, have i achieved what i wanted too by this age, am i happy where i am now at this age, is this where i want to be? and given my current situation i was thinking will i be around to see my next birthday" etc and so forth.
Don't get me wrong, i am not old by any terms, 37 is neither here nor there frankly. But i seemed to have fallen into a black hole for a period.
I wouldn't call it depression nor would i call it 'mid life' crisis but i certainly wasn't being my usual positive 'happy go lucky' self. i cried a lot and really quite frankly just couldn't be bothered.
I am not sure if the circumstances or the treatments or just my hormones raging out of control but i found it very difficult to get through each day, so how was i to get through my birthday....
I am very well known for throwing very decadent, generous large birthday parties each year but this year all i wanted to do was hide from the world. People kept emiling and calling asking if they should be boking flights etc but i had to sadly tell them i had no enthusiasm or energy to do anything.
the night before my birthday i called a few friends to join me for dinner and drinks (they could drink, i would watch ha ha ) a few people came and we had a wonderful time. the actual day was filled with the love of friends - my closest girlfriends threw an intimate dinner for me, where we talked of old times and of future things to come. I felt truly blessed for the support they show me and want them to know i love them all very much and feel sincere deep gratitude for them still standing strong through my very emotional roller coaster of a life ;-)
Needless to say, it was all woman..... where are the men whe you need them most.... ha ha.
Dr Chang has put me on a hormone patch, which seems to be keeping the emotions in a more stable condition - yes, finally! and so far so good. (i just got to remember to change it twice a week!)
Unfortunately, when doing dentritic cell treatments it can exaggerate anything that are in the system and in my case i so far have experienced an infection in my face twice, severe acne and what i thought was a heart attack! (later i was told it was a viral infection "devils grip" in my chest and thankfully since have not had any pains, so probably nothing to do with the treatment...)
My last session with Dr Chang + Dr Nessulhut, in New York on 15th July went very smoothly. After getting my jabs, i then headed back to the hotel and slept all night and felt very rested the next day. I had family in town this time, so we stayed on in NYC and did ALL the touristy things! I felt energized and positive through out and really felt this time things were better than before in a lot of aspects.
Words Dr Chang said have lingered on in my thoughts and they really empowered me and made me think. he said "we are not here to extend your life, we are here to give you quality in your life. How can we claim to extend your life if you get accidentally knocked over by a car. We aim to help you live a better life" or words to that effect.... ;-) it was odd, but it was like a light bulb going off in my head and i started to see all the things i need to do to shift my life in the direction i wanted it to go. i know i sound like I've gone a little crazy but preaching to you all that the brain is the biggest muscle and we must use it to heal our body but then not actually practicing that myself.... well, not truly. I feel it is now time to look up and see the sunshine. To try ignore the pain, think positive healthy thoughts of the future and envision myself healthy, happy and living abundantly. i started that very night and have continued since.
I know that each night before i sleep, i tell my daughter how much i love her. While brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed, I look in the mirror and tell myself how much i love that person also. And, as much as i can, when i feel it, i tell my friends i love them too, as showing how much you care can heal a person, in far more ways than you'll ever know or understand.
Being on my own during all this was the hardest, but really, all this love from friends shows me that i'm not really on my own. I have been blessed to have Stu + Chen hold my hand most of the way, thank you. It has brought my family closer, Alex + jen i thank you. And my daughters 'God Parents' Yvonne+Steven, who have looked after my daughter while i was doing my monthly jaunts, thank you. and to all others who wrote me notes and kept in touch although i was never around, thank you.
Maybe the past 7 months have woken me up, maybe i am just having 'a good month' but i know that finally, i am starting to look into the future, and finally, i feel i can start making some plans.
I know that the first few times i did the dentric cell injections i was in chronic pain the evening of receiving it, cramping in the womb and doubled over in pain, yet now, it doesn't seem to effect me with such voracity. Maybe all this 'healthy living' of no alcohol, meat or dairy has also helped. As well as trying all the 'alternative' medicines at the same time. i still take my arcoxia for pain, thymosin 2x weekly, MF3 daily as well as doing a 'parasite cleanse' a detox and over dosing in Vitamin C ;-)
I know for sure the Thymosin seems to help me feel more energised, along with my daily dose of 'winter worm summer grass'.
It has been agreed i will return to New York next on 16th September, giving me a break in August, then again 16th December giving a further break inbetween.
we are hoping by December, it will be plain sailing after that, and i will only need "maintenance" shots there after quarterly to ensure the cancer never returns. *fingers crossed*.
Dr Chan, Dr Chang and Dr Nesselhut have been amazing and i will forever be eternally grateful.
well, that's it for now.
pls continue to email me nick1000@hotmail.com if you've any questions.
sending love your way!
nic
xox